Post-mortem Playlists

Most students have bar jobs to support themselves through University and pay off their student loans, but my student job was a little different. I was a funeral/wedding organist. Ok I must confess that it wasn’t the most inspired move to commit myself to a job that involves early Saturday mornings when I was invited on an almost weekly basis to Friday night student benders, but if you can stomach the coffins and gushing brides then it’s a well-paid and interesting job (and the floors aren’t as sticky as those in the student bars...)

Once in a while I would arrive at a funeral service to be handed a CD by the funeral director. This meant that the organ would stay locked up and I would be paid an extortionate fee to press ‘play’ and ‘stop’ on a CD player for the afternoon. Score! A steady flow of regular funeral tracks started to emerge and it became increasingly apparent that standard hymns were being snubbed in favour of more contemporary songs such as Robbie Williams’ Angels, Frank Sinatra’s My Way and Vera Lynn’s We’ll Meet Again. Then funeral music started to get a sense of humour with requests such as AC/DC’s Highway to Hell and Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust and as this recent article in The Times reads:

‘We might now hear Prodigy’s Firestarter or Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire played at cremations. Regular funeral favourites now include Monty Python’s Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, Elvis Presley’s Return to Sender, and even Ding Dong the Witch is Dead from The Wizard of Oz.’

This was all great fun (and surround-sound bass is fantastic in the acoustics of a church building!) but here’s the rub: anyone can press a button on a CD player and I was starting to miss playing the organ. So in addition to the usual CD player, I offered the option to play the tracks on the church organ. It went down a storm! I was asked to play everything from Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody to Meat Loaf’s Bat out of Hell and soon had a massive repertoire of pop/rock pieces.

Quite a few organists sneer at being given anything more contemporary than Buxtehude or Scarlatti, but the pipe organ is well-suited to modern pop/rock. The formula is simple; bass guitar in the pedals, rhythm guitar in the left hand and vocals/lead guitar in the right hand. So why not combine a little My Chemical Romance with your Johann Pachelbel?

Here are some pieces that I am regularly asked to play and some of you who know me may have heard these before, but I’ll be recording more pieces in May/June so any requests/suggestions will be considered!!

Metallica: Nothing Else Matters


Guns N Roses: Sweet Child O Mine


My Chemical Romance: Cancer


I must add that although I cringe each time I hear the opening chords to Robbie William’s Angels, I intend to have Do you realize? by the Flaming Lips played as I am carried off down the aisle (in a wooden box, I might add, not by a groom…God forbid!)

TechnoPop!

If you ever required proof that music + random mechanical parts + geek intuition = GENIUS! then here, m’laud, is the evidence…

It all began with The Imperial March from Star Wars played on various pieces of computer hardware. For example, a floppy disk…


…and a hard-disk drive…

…then the geek musicians discovered the lyrical qualities of the HP Scanner…

..and this has resulted in the monumental orchestral cacophony that is Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody played on an Atari 800XL, a Texas Instruments TI-99/4a, an 8 Inch Floppy Disk, a 3.5 inch Harddrive and HP ScanJet 3C…


Geek musicians, I salute you!! I'm off to set fire to the piano
and dig my old Spectrum out of the loft.....

Kit Kat Christ

A reader of the Dutch website Nu.nl discovered this choccy embodiment of Jesus in his Kit Kat on Good Friday.

What's next? Mary in a Mars bar?

Label Lover

Ok, hands up if you choose your wine for the evening based on font type, print colour and cutest indigenous creature on the wine label?

Really...? Huh, I didn’t realise you were that shallow…!

I have at least one good friend who would balk and suffocate himself violently at the thought of anyone picking a wine based on the label alone, but I must admit, some of these label designers certainly earn their crust. Gerri L Elder at WebUrbanist is showcasing ‘61 exceptionally creative wine labels’, some of which are functional, stylish or downright hysterical. My favs are below, but I’m sure there are other crackers in circulation…








Gotta admire the honesty of this one...

Do you know your enemy?

Listening to Green Day always takes me back to my school days, playing Dookie on a cassette tape over and over again in the student common room and spending every evening huddled away in my bedroom with a group of fellow teenage guitarists struggled to play Basket Case. Who hasn’t been there? (learning the chords to Basket Case...not in my bedroom...just to clarify...!)

I’ve been immensely faithful to Green Day ever since and submitted to their rise to mainstream recognition with an optimistic acceptance, albeit gritting my teeth until my gums bled when they amassed a sudden following of screaming teenage girlies (I might add that my attraction has nothing to do with the fact that Billie Joe Armstrong is insanely and beautifully puppy-dog-eyed and heavy handed on the guyliner…honest!). So I had high expectations for the new single ‘Know your Enemy’ from their forthcoming album 21st Century Breakdown, due to land on 15 May 2009. A crappy track would have been a monumental kick in the teeth.

The thumping drum intro is everything that you could ask for in a Green Day track and it’s evident from the first 15 seconds that the foundations are being laid for a ‘balls-out’ album anthem track (incidentally, ‘anthem’ is a word banded about quite liberally these days, but as a church organist for 18 years I kind of feel qualified to know when the term is applicable!). It’s a lead-from-the-front, die-you-b***ards assault, as is evident from the lyrics, and it’s unashamedly aggressive throughout but without crossing the line into amusingly adolescent whining as some punk tracks have wont to wander. It’s certaintly going to inspire you dig out your dusty Strat and will no doubt show up on Guitar Hero this time next year :) As with the title track from American Idiot, the lyrics and chords are repetitive and sound pretty simple, but this is the genius of Green Day. Even my dad (who spent years believing that the lyrics to the chorus of Fatboy Slim’s Rockafeller Skank were ‘check it out now, your pumps are rubber’) knows all the lyrics to American Idiot. If the lyrics are simple enough to be sung when drunk then you’re onto a winner.

I’ve a feeling that ‘Know Your Enemy’ will be a slow burner but, as usual, once it gets into the social bloodstream then you’ll hear it wherever you go. And you’ll probably be singing along too. It’s good to be reassured that some genuine punk can slip through the trash net once in a while. Can’t wait for the album!

Twittering under the Influence

Drunk texting is embarrassing. Drunk dialling is even worse. Even drunk emailing can induce awkward squirming at work the next morning. But who knew that drunk twittering would eclipse them all?

Thanks to Twitter's messaging system, not only is your drunken message destined solely for a best mate/ex-partner/boss/random stranger’s email or mobile inbox, now all your friends and acquaintances….no wait…the entire world!…can giggle collectively at your late night intoxicated attempt to type a coherent sentence, or shake their head at your need to inform the world of your recent conquest in the local pub or admire the numerous photos of your newly acquired traffic cone collection. Shame on you! I’ve only committed one or two T.U.Is (to my knowledge) and when re-read in the sober light of morning I’ve been pleased to see that they have been fairly innocuous, but recently I’ve had cause to cringe at one or two misguided late night twitters from friends.

Now…Google mail has Mail Goggles, Virgin Mobile has a drunk dial prevention option, the iPhone has the Bad Decision Blocker app and even LG attemped to solve the problem with their LP4100 Sobriety Phone which not only had a number lock-out system but even came with a built-in breathalyser! There are many other apps and systems to combat drunk dialling/emailing, but what about drunk twittering prevention?

There are, of course, benefits to be had for the sober parties involved….it would be cruel to suggest that anyone who is mean, nasty or even in the slightest bit annoying should be encouraged to remain within the close vicinity of a computer when in a slightly inebriated state for purposes of revenge. Or even to suggest that friends of celebrities should get them utterly rat-arsed, sit them at a computer and thereby negate the need for tabloid journalism. Just a thought.

Recharging my Bojis

I woke up this morning to a monumental thunderstorm. Not the standard flash-and-rumble type of storm, just a continual rumble as though something large and heavy was being dragged up my street. Hardly any rain either, which is weird. Now it’s pitch dark and the constant rumbling is interspersed with bright flashes of lightning just like there is a bank of paparazzi in my bedroom. Creepy, huh?

Most sane people would snuggle back under their warm duvets and wait for the storm to pass, particularly as it’s still holiday time and there is no need to dash off to work. But my first thought was to grab my dressing gown and run out into the garden. No, I haven’t lost my mind. I wanted to take my Boji stones out into the garden to get them recharged. Hmmm, then again, maybe I have lost my mind…

I bought my two Boji stones when I was about 12 years old. At the time I was heavily into crystals, herbs and numerous other New Age faff and a large hippy-type woman sold them to me at a craft fair. She told me that the stones possessed a powerful electromagnetic energy and as a result they had strong healing properties. They also have a gender! The larger smooth stones are female and the smaller, chunkier stones are male. Here are mine (Fred and Wilma):



There are a number of superstitious stories surrounding the stones and various websites offer advice on how to take care of them. The aforementioned hippy woman suggested that I keep them together, put them in water once in a while to allow them to drink(!) and their energies can be recharged by putting them on the ground during a thunderstorm.

These days the Boji stones collect dust on a shelf, but I still rush out to stick them in the middle of the garden whenever there is a thunderstorm. I’m not sure why I still do this. Who says superstition is dead?

Jesus, Judas...and Jimi Hendrix?

Happy Easter everyone! It’s that time of year once again when we spend quality time with our families and celebrate that day when Jesus took some time off work and…ummm…ate chocolate eggs and blessed the chicks and bunnies...

Rather appropriately for the season, Jeremy Baker at Popped Culture has posted a comprehensive list of 101 parodies of Leonardo da Vinci’s Last Supper. There’s quite an extensive selection, ranging from Popeye to Lego and Star Wars to the Simpsons. Who knew geeks could be so inventive? I’ve included a few tasters below, but check out the gallery for the full list.

Happy Jesus egg day!

Cutesy-coo

Last night I dropped in on old school friend and found that she has a new kitten. I’m not normally a ‘cutesy-awwww-bless’ kind of girl but do I have a soft spot for cats, so for the duration of the evening I was reduced to a simpering fool, babbling baby talk to the tiny ball of fluff that was attempting to gnaw through to my knuckle bones. At first I thought that, as a woman, I was predisposed to find small, young creatures cute, but it transpires that the men of her household are equally as captivated with the new arrival. So no oestrogen influence there then.

A great deal of research has been carried out into what exactly we classify as ‘cute’ and the most infamous study of ‘cuteness’ is Stephen Jay Gould’s "A Biological Homage to Mickey Mouse" which tracks the gradual development of Mickey Mouse into an infantile looking character and explains why humans feel affection for animals and people with juvenile features. It seems that certain identifiable personality traits and physical features elicit the ‘awww cute’ response, as Wikipedia (yes, yes I know…but it actually comes through on this one!) concisely sums up:

‘Cuteness is usually characterized by (though not limited to) some combination of infant-like physical traits, especially small body size with a disproportionately large head, large eyes, a pleasantly fair, though not necessarily small nose, dimples, and round and softer body features. Infantile personality traits, such as playfulness, fragility, helplessness, curiosity, innocence, affectionate behavior and a need to be nurtured are also generally considered cute.’

Now potentially, in light of this research, you might think (and I’m speaking to the girls here) that if you have a large head, big eyes, a small nose and possess all these characteristics then you have found the blueprint for success when it comes to attracting guys. But here’s why a woman in possession of these ‘cute’ characteristics would make for a psycho girlfriend/partner:

Playful = will flirt with other men
Fragile = will moan when breaks a nail
Helpless = too feeble to open jars or carry heavy objects
Curious = nosy
Innocent = frigid
Affectionate = stifling and needy, will demand cuddles
Needs to be nurtured = very dependant, unwilling to get a job


So, y’see, cute doesn’t carry well into the ‘human genre’. Best stick with kittens.

Petticoats and Braaaains!

I’ve always thought that Jane Austen could do with a little more undead, don’t you think? Well…guess what?!?!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance – Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! is Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice reinvented by author Seth Grahame-Smith to include a heady dose of zombie violence. The gist of Austen’s story remains unchanged, but zombies (who are referred to as ‘unmentionables’) feature throughout. The cover blurb reads:

‘"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you'd actually want to read.’

Kudos to Grahame-Smith for picking up on the current ‘affection’ – if that’s the right word – for zombie violence. Oh and did I mention that there are ninjas too?!?

Maybe Grahame-Smith should try his hand at D. H. Lawrence next time…now there’s an author desperately in need of some zombie action scenes!

Who’s watching the Watchmen audience?

KMTR reported yesterday that a man has shot himself during a screening of the film Watchmen. This is how Slashfilm reported it:

‘A 24-year-old man shot and killed himself at the Regal Cinemas in Eugene, Oregon during a late night screening of Zack Snyder’s Watchmen. According to KMTR, there were about 10 other people in the theater at the time. The yet-to-be-named man was seated in the back corner of the theater. Police were called after patrons heard a loud “popping sound” behind them, and reported it to the theater managers. The screening was stopped and ticket purchases were refunded.’

Now that’s one pretty harsh film critic. I appreciate that 160mins can be tiring, but that’s quite an extreme reaction (mind you, I’m sure that one or two guys who have been forced to sit through slushy rom-coms have tried sawing at their wrists with the ice-cream stick before now…)

And I love how the additional piece about ticket refunds is added at the bottom as though a) that somehow makes it all better and b) the cinema-goers were solely concerned with getting their money back, while stepping over the puddle of blood at the back of the auditorium. Still, there’s nothing like a bit of realism to add to the cinema experience…

A first Greek TwEpic

Below is a Twitter version of Homer’s Odyssey by Eric Alt found on Holy Taco. Oh if only all Greek epics were available in 140 character max bites! I’m waiting for the inevitable spin-offs; Shakespeare? Dostoevsky? Hebrew Bible? Come on folks!

Banana-cide

I opened my handbag this morning to find that my banana had impaled itself on a propelling pencil. Now my mobile, purse and other handbag paraphernalia smell of banana guts. R.I.P. lunchtime banana.

Edit: maybe I should donate the remains to Amy Winehouse, who according to NME has taken up smoking banana skins (WTF?)

Eat Me/Drink Me: The Frisky Bison

Two things made me a very happy bunny this weekend. The first was the discovery on Saturday morning that my local supermarket is now stocking Reece’s Pieces and I don’t have to take long trips to the nearest stockist, which is miles out of town, or rely on friends from the US shipping large quantities to me at Christmas. Now I can stuff myself sick after a 10min drive!

The second piece of unexpected delight came on Saturday night in the form of a bar in Birmingham that serves Frisky Bisons. Glory be!! My Myspace friends will know that this is an absolute favourite drink of mine, but it's pretty hard to track down in local bars. A Frisky Bison is Zubrowka Bison Grass Vodka + Green Apple Schnapps + Lime + Apple Juice + Mint = near orgasmic heaven (particularly when you're parched). It’s the perfect drink for a lazy summer evening or to cool down in a overheated venue and I could drink them until my bladder ruptures. So if anyone is going to the bar....

Twitter Twantrum

Earlier this year I decided to have a Facebook cull. It was a pretty messy business, but it was way overdue. It was prompted by the realisation that I had been ‘friended’ by a number of people that a) I didn’t know or b) I had only spoken to once or twice in my entire life. They had added me not because they wanted to ‘be friends’ but because they were collecting friend stats as if their life depended on it. As a result my news feed was out of control and I had missed birthdays, important announcements etc from some of my close friends. So one afternoon I took a serious look at my friends list and made some changes…

Now I’m twittering (yay!) and life is rosy, but I’ve noticed that there is the same competitive desire to amass hundreds and thousands of followers. Yesterday I found this which made me laugh out loud and realise that others are noticing that this is a problem too. Again I’m worried that messages from the people that I actually care about will get buried under inane drivel, particularly since the inane drivel on Twitter seems to be predominantly Internet marketing/spam/whatever based. So I’m sticking to following only the interesting folk. Hopefully a kind of ‘Twitter natural selection’ will eventually weed out the spammers, but in the meantime I’m keeping my friend list tight…let the friend-whore backlash begin!

Wanna play? Lady Gaga vs The Mighty Boosh

Am I the only person who suspects that Lady Gaga has been possessed by the spirit of Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh?

The Fame is a fantastic album and it has frazzled my iPod battery to a crisp over the past few months, but each time I get to ‘LoveGame’ - the second track on the album - I can’t help but be reminded of the merman’s love song to Howard in the Boosh episode "The Legend of Old Gregg"…

Hmmm, I wonder if she drinks Baileys?

Lady Gaga - LoveGame



The Mighty Boosh - Love Games

Can You Hear Me Dear?

According to textuality.org, Orange has shown that older people are more likely to use text messaging on their mobile phones with younger users preferring to use mobile IM services such as AIM and MSN Messenger. It looks as though text messaging is hearing the distant call of the death knell, but this evening I was reminded why this may not be a bad thing, particularly with more *ahem* elderly phone users.

This afternoon I received a classic text from my mum. A quick bit of background; we went shopping together this evening and she sent me a text this morning to let me know what time she was calling round to pick me up. This was the text message:

What vine in gym bay pick u up aunt 4 x

Now I studied Greek, Hebrew and ancient palaeography back in my student days so I like to think that my interpretational skills are pretty good, but I’m stumped by this one. She later told me that it means ‘What time…(?)in the gym…will pick you up at 4pm x’ and explained that she wasn’t wearing her glasses, although the truth was revealed by her subsequent question “what do you mean by ‘predictive text’?”

BTW: above right; not actual picture of my mother (just in case she ever figures out the Internet…)

Richard Dawkins: God Deluded or Just Deluded?

I’ve reserved judgment about Professor Richard Dawkins, the author of The God Delusion, for some time now. Today he’s gone and made headlines again by calling the Pope ‘stupid, ignorant or dim’. Way to pick a fight!!

Now I’m indifferent and ‘live and let live’ when it comes to religion in general, but the preachy in-your-face type of religious fanatics really piss me off (y’know, the ones who tell you that you’re all going to burn in hell unless you pray to their particular ‘imaginary friend’, as Jimmy Carr would call it). But ardent atheists like Dawkins also seriously piss me off. I’ve tried to ignore the fact that he can look exceptionally creepy at times (nothing that a good stylist couldn’t put right) and the fact that he occasionally slips into a school-boy ‘so there!’ kind of aggressive attitude, but when I have seen him speak he is prone to slip into the same glassy-eyed zombie rant that he criticises the religious fanatics for being so partial to. What’s that saying about black kettles and accusatory pots?

Same old same old, I’m afraid. Turn it in.

April Fooled?

One of the entries into the 2009 Hall of Prank is the Gmail Autopilot, a Gmail feature that claims to read and automatically reply to your emails saving you time spent shifting through your inbox every morning. Autopilot learns your email style by studying previously sent emails and there is even an option to use it for Gmail chat. There are adjustable preferences for mail replies such as Capitalization, Typos, Brevity and Emoticon (very funny!).

Oh if only this wasn't an April Fools gag…imagine the spare time that I would suddenly find! But I suspect that the Google folk would soon develop extras to the reply preferences such as Honesty, Flirt, Insane Text Colour Use etc. So, on reflection, an app like this could destroy my social life. Hmmm, maybe answering emails myself isn’t such a bad thing after all…I'll never complain again!